Ladies, when it comes to sex we all know that there is always a lot of talk about orgasms. The two often go hand in hand and for many women orgasms can often present as an elusive enigma. We often have pre-conceived ideas about our orgasms; how they should happen and what they should feel like. But the reality is that every woman is different and will experience her climax differently.
The thing is, when talking about orgasms, we tend to think that they all happen in the same way. That is, the motions are put in place when we feel turned on, we seek out sex, keep building the tension and then have an intense one–off climax and then it’s all over. But this very linear explanation of orgasm is not always the case for many women.
For some of us, we move through the basic build up to intense pleasure every time and that’s it for a little while until the body can rest and start the process all over again. Some women can do this multiple times in one session, obviously called multiple orgasms. Then there are some women who never really experience the huge explosive pleasure of one big bang during sex, but rather, have increased levels of arousal that feel like little spikes of intensified pleasure. What’s more, at different times of our lives we might find our bodies will orgasm in different ways. And some women will never orgasm. It is important to remember that ALL of these experiences are valid examples of how women experience sexual pleasure.
Why is this the case? Why do women experience orgasm differently? There are multiple factors that can influence our orgasms. Some factors include our level of sexual arousal, how present we are in the sexual moment, the distribution of nerves in our genital and pelvic area, lifestyle (diet, fitness, stress, illness, relaxation levels), certain medications and where we’re at in our menstrual cycle. And as a result, different women are going to reach orgasm in different ways.
So if you are not sure how you orgasm or how to get there, it might be time to start exploring, on your own or with a partner. Being in the right (sexy) frame of mind is essential to be in the right space for orgasm. Start with what gets you going. Some examples include erotic film or literature, sensual massage, passionate kissing, sexual fantasy, certain clothing, rituals or role-play. Then you might want to explore your most erogenous zones- your vulva and vagina. Using some water based lube, either with a finger, vibrator or dildo using different movements and pressures. Make sure you are relaxed, comfortable and present (no distracting thoughts).
Every sexual experience and every individual is ultimately unique, so whatever your experience of orgasm, just know it's ok to let yourself embrace it, love it and enjoy it.
First published online for My Little Black Book 2013.